happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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