a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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