I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
