omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
