My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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