Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
