I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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