You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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