Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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