I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
whose parrot is this?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
