so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
