Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
