I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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