I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
