she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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