Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
