Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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