I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
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I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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