Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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