I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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