i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
