So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
