My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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