Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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