I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Edward fifth and chaser hands
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
