im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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