Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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