um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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