So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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