Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
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MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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