seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
