If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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