I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
