I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
pop tarts are not kleenex
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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