Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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