i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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