You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
