i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
