dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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