your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
