Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
