Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
