The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
