we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
