Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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