did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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