dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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