Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
