Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
