Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
