just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
