I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
