Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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